Thursday, December 10 - 1892   Issue no. 2

Horrors of Vlaška

Major bunker complexes destroyed

The Turks introduced new kind of weaponry against French troops on the frontier in West Servia on Wednesday morning

Vlaška, West Servia —Our allies were forced to evacuate the frontier near the town of Vlaška, located ca. 19 miles south from the river Danube, after three major underground bunker complexes were destroyed almost simultaneously by huge explosive missiles that had been launched towards them by dark, tower-like catapult devices that had already been raising lots of questions during the night, during which these colossal towers had slowly been transported closer to the front. The explosions also left behind huge pillars of orange smoke that are most likely some form of poisonous gas. As of now, aerial units on all frontiers are given instructions to keep an eye out for such doom towers.

Professor Rory Guthrie from Oxford University, specializing in chemical sciences and physics, notes that to create such a powerful impact and wide radius with explosives fitted into a missile would incline usage of some explosive material unheard of in the UK. The concrete bunkers were supported with metal cages, but the usage of a high trajectory and heavy missiles may explain the breach of the ground floor. There is still no information about the effects of the gas, but the aerial surveillance units scanning the area from a distance have reported that for some reason the Turks have not yet moved on with siege units, and there have also been reports of some unidentified animals in the area.

The possibility of a new kind of warfare with poisonous weapons has not been taken lightly by the government, and tomorrow the council of the Royal Nations will be having an emergency meeting in Paris with top scientists and engineers from all around Europe.

Hey you intelligent, sharp looking fella!

Yes, you! McKendricks offers all the remarkable literary works ever written, from classics to those new suspenseful science fiction books. Visit us at

McKendricks’ Books & Antiques
12 Highway St. Market Square

Turks from the Moon?

There has been an official declaration from Istanbul, claiming that the Turks had nothing to do with the disappearances of the aircraft carriers in the Indian Ocean near Sri Lanka two weeks ago. This declaration has quite predictably angered many, and risen questions such as why not make the declaration earlier, and “Who the hell would they claim responsible then? Moon trolls?”, as quoted from Prime Minister Nelson’s take on the subject. As of now, the new units, including two fully loaded Citadel aircraft carriers, are already on the move towards their new placements near the coast of India.

Henry McFair's death pill accident

Henry McFair, the generally considered dubious merchant of even more dubious products, is suspected of involuntary manslaughter after information came to light about a customer been withered to death from the effects of his slimming pill. Donald Fauter bought the pills after seeing an advertisement in the newspaper, according to his wife Anna Fauter. “Henry had struggled with his weight for a long time and was desperate for a solution”, stated Mrs. Fauter. “The results were promising after a week of pill usage, but soon after that, he became horribly underweight and malnourished”, she continued. According to Mrs. Fauter, they could not stop the slimming process even though he had seized using the product. To her horror, she found Donald’s withered corpse lying on the living room floor of their house in Blackhorn Ward as she was returning from a trip to the Market Square. Medical aid were alerted, but nothing could be done as Donald had already been dead for over three hours, according to the coroner.

Henry McFair was arrested for questioning and was put in the local police jail cells for the duration of the trial. He faces charges of involuntary manslaughter and selling of unsanctioned products. We will report more as the trial moves forward.

Worrington Daredevil's final dare

Famous Worrington daredevil Jack Whitewood, or Jack Flames as he was famously known as, died last Tuesday of an accident during a failed stunt. He attempted an outrageous feat of walking on a wire between two of the tallest buildings in Worrington while the wire was oiled up and set on fire. The madcap artist had been warned multiple times not to execute the stunt as it would be near impossible and extremely dangerous, but he did not heed to any pleas of consideration and went through with it.

Halfway through he started to lose his balance and finally slipped and fell to his death as the crowd screamed in horror. Medical aid was already at the scene, but could not do anything for him as he was declared dead at the scene. Gone at the age of thirty, he will be remembered for his other madcap antics. For example setting himself on fire and getting shot from a catapult to the local lake. As the years went by, he started to show signs of alcoholism, and rumours of a drug addiction surfaced. Many people consider the problems he was struggling with the ultimate reason of the stunt’s failure.

He will be truly missed as the most outrageous, and definitely one of the most memorable, people in Worrington.

Gone with the wind? Acclaimed professor disappears

Oxford —Professor Silas Gosling, the writer of anti-coal themed reports linking past decade’s risen exhaustions from coal and fossil gas driven machinery with the mysterious smog gathered in the areas of many major cities, has now been officially reported missing by his colleagues in Oxford University. They contacted the police on last Tuesday after Professor Gosling had already been absent from work for nine days, which, according to his colleague Professor Stanley Williams, is totally unlike him. The followed investigation of Gosling’s home address revealed everything not to be quite normal. “The front door was left slightly open, and it was very messy inside. Like after a struggle maybe.”, stated Officer Frank Dickinson. Oddly enough, Professor Gosling seems to have disappeared together with all his research paperwork.

Paul McAllisters used moving machines!

Get your almost new moving machine! Hobby projects for starting mechanics or transport enthusiasts.

Get from point A to point B with only a wrench, some oil, spare parts and the will to travel with an enormous speed of 10 miles per hour.

Paul McAllisters used
Moving machines!
15 Founders Rd. Worrington.

Local church gains support

The Church of the New Gods has gained massive amounts of support in the past year even though the church is still not fully recognized as a true religion. “Is it such a strange thing for people to yearn for the truth that we, as a church, offer? The salvation from today’s problems is not as difficult to achieve as people think. The only obstacle is a person’s will to take a leap of faith to truly understand our world better through spirituality”, the always enigmatic leader of the church, reverend Matthew Carney, commented on the matter.

Multiple local priests have criticized the Church of the New Gods for appearing almost as a cult-like organization, its doors tightly closed to non-members and the ceremonies and rituals shrouded in mystery and intrigue. Many rumors have floated around about many influential people joining the church.

Market square annoyance apprehended

Our beloved market square with its exquisite products from a large variety of vendors are well-known throughout Worrington. Unfortunately, for the past year, customers have been becoming increasingly scarce as the word of an infamous pickpocket cleaning up customers has started spreading around. Last month the police put more men in uniforms to patrol the market square, but with no luck in reducing the misdeeds. The angry vendors took their issue straight to our iron-willed police commissioner, Eric Greenholt, who ensured that a stop would be put to this, and personally set up a sting operation to catch the thief. Last Monday the trap was set in market square as one of the volunteers from the police dressed up as a wealthy businessman carrying a thick beautiful leather wallet and started to patrol the market square as the other officers were dressed up as buyers.

It took time and careless handling of the wallet for the curiosity of the thief to arise and, as the police had suspected, he could not help himself and finally tried to make a move and at that very moment the police officers surrounded him. A struggle ensued as the police apprehended the infamous pickpocket and finally unmasked him. The operation suddenly took a turn as the pickpocket turned out to be a woman instead of a man and a notable person to boot. Michelle Bowen, the wealthy industrialist Phil Bowen’s nineteen-year-old daughter, was accused of serious theft because of the span of time these activities had covered. After having been informed about the situation, Phil Bowen himself released a statement condemning the actions of his daughter and pleaded the judges to rule her to be placed in the Worrington Insane Asylum for the treatment of her serious kleptomania. The official ruling is still to be made.

As for our beloved market square, the hustle and bustle is back in the shops thanks to the ingenuity of the police officers of Worrington.

Robert Black's bizarre travelling sideshow

Come marvel the three headed monkey, the man who can lift an elephant, the human crab and many more!

Rober Black’s bizarre sideshow circus! Don’t miss out! Tickets are only 0.5£!

Arrives to Worrington’s old cricket field next wednesday and stays for a week.